Bang Cock

A short dark story, set in Bangkok

‘LISTEN TO THIS, “I got your email this morning. I really want that bar. You tell me there is another interested party. And he is in Bangkok? What can I do?” Christ, what a prat.’

‘So what did you do? Let me guess?’

‘I replied instantly. “Sorry, but the owner must sell quickly. It is possible to change his mind. But you need to send the money without seeing the business. I can’t advise you to do that.” And guess what?’

‘He didn’t?’

‘Cash arrived an hour ago. The deposit in full plus six months' rent.’

‘And the other buyer?’

‘There isn’t one, idiot.’

‘What about the bar?’

‘Christ, you are as stupid as the “buyer”. There isn’t one.’

‘But what about the pics you sent him?’

‘They were nicked off Facebook.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yes, oh. How are you going to learn this business?’

‘Good afternoon, Flynn, how is my nephew getting on?’

‘That’s what I want to talk to you about. He is not exactly a natural.’

‘That’s why I sent him to you, Flynn. You told me you were the best in the game. Did you not?’

‘So, I’m stuck with him?’

‘Only until you pay me what you owe me.’ The line went dead, as dead as the London con man selling the London Bridge.

‘Look, sir, this is the best piece of real estate I’ve come across,’ Tel said.

‘Can you send me more photographs?’

‘Sure, but I warn you, it won’t be available long.’

‘Can I see it?’

‘Yes, of course. When can you come?’

‘I can’t get away from the States. Can you send me a video?’

‘Sure.’

‘And what was that about foreigners owning land in Thailand?’

‘Foreigners are not allowed to own property, except condos. But my company will set up a company with Thai shareholders. You will be the MD and have full control of the business.’

‘Okay, sounds good. And the land includes the beachfront?’

‘Oh, yes, a pristine one hundred metres of seafront.’

‘Let me pay a deposit, I’ll send the rest when all the paperwork is complete.’

‘Bloody idiot, don’t they read the papers?’ Tel said to his secretary.

‘But sir, the legal owner is an ex-MP. Aren’t you worried about upsetting him?’

‘Considering he is in jail, and nobody, not even Thais, can own the seafront, I should be more worried about the Thai King.’ He roared, and his secretary ducked away back to her own office.

‘Dad, look what I came across. That looks like your mate’s seaside property in Hua Hin.’

‘Let me see that.’

‘They are even trying to sell the beach! Right, Nit, find out what you can.’

‘Sure, Dad, I’ll start with that idiot Flynn, if it’s not him, he’ll know who it is.’

‘Oh, Khun Flynn, how strange to bump into you here,’ Nit said.

‘Why is it so strange? I’m English, and this is the British Club.’

‘True enough, are you a regular?’

‘I could ask you the same question’

‘I’m looking for my ex-boyfriend. He dumped me yesterday, and I wanted to give back his ring.’

‘Oh, sorry to hear that. Do I know him?’

‘I doubt it. Anyway, I want to forget him.’

‘You know all Brits are not the same. Can I offer you lunch?’

‘Um, okay, but not in here,’ Nit said.

‘Let’s have noodles, how about here?’ said Nit.

‘If that’s what you fancy,’ said Flynn as they sat at a street-side table.

The chat was friendly, and Flynn kept fighting himself and managed not to ask her out that evening. Then she surprised him, ‘Maybe you could run me home?’

‘Sure, where do you live?’

‘Just get on Silom Road, and I’ll direct you.’

‘This is your home?’ said Flynn, open-mouthed, as the three-metre high steel gates opened.

‘Yes, well, it’s my Dad’s, I live here.’

They entered the marble-floored entrance hall.

‘Come straight in, please.’

‘That’s my Dad, you had better meet him.’

‘Sit.’ The gold-covered finger pointed to the chair opposite.

‘Er, yes. Pleased to meet you.’

Flynn looked around nervously. He held out his right hand, then he decided the Thai greeting wai was more suitable, especially as no one grabbed his hand. He sat with all the pace of a sloth. The eyes opposite were studying a paper.

‘What do you know about this?’ The paper suddenly flapped like a demented pigeon.

‘Er, it’s a beautiful property. Is it yours?’

‘You know damn well it isn’t. Your friend was trying to sell it.’

‘Oh, that one, do you want to buy it?’

Flynn hadn’t noticed another man sitting by the door until he moved, reaching under his jacket. Nit’s father signalled for him to calm down.

‘The gentleman behind you is the real owner’s son. I can assure you the place is not for sale. The less attention to it, the better it is for me and my colleague.’

Flynn was lost. ‘But what has that got to do with me?’

‘You will make your buddy take it off the market, halt all his Facebook ads etcetera, etcetera. Clear?’

‘Firstly, he is not my mate. If the truth is known we don’t even like each other.’

‘Even better. It will be no problem for you.’

‘I can’t tell him how to run his business.’

The man behind drew his weapon and rammed it into Flynn’s temple.

‘If one of our men shoots him, the property will be big news. If you kill him, it will be two Brits fighting over a girl. All over the Bangkok Post, and no mention of a certain place by the sea.’

‘I’m not a murderer!’

‘Have you got a gun?’

‘No, why would I?’

A choice of four pistols was presented. ‘Which one would you like?’

‘No, none of them.’

‘In that case, which one would you like to be shot with?’

Flynn picked up the nearest. Nit’s father clicked the safety on and off, unloaded and reloaded the bullets, and handed it back to Flynn.

‘My daughter will show you out.’

‘Christ, what should I do?’ Flynn asked Nit at the doorway.

‘If I were you, I’d do exactly as my Dad says. Open the car door.’

‘What?’

‘I’m coming with you at least until the job is complete.’

‘I’ve never killed anyone.’

‘You’ll have an audience of one, as the owner’s son wants to watch the show. Don’t worry about it. Pull the trigger, then I’ll cause a disturbance and get you out safely.’

‘Tel, I’ve got great news. One, I’ve got the money I owe you. And I’ve got another taker for the beachfront land. How about we split the profit?’ said Flynn.

‘So, we’re celebrating, are we?’

‘Yeah, beers are on me. How about we meet at that dark dive with all the cracking women?’ The mobile clicked off.

At ten pm, Tel arrived and joined Flynn at a table away from the stage.

‘I thought you were bringing cash? I can’t see a bundle.’ said Tel.

‘A bit of a change of plan.’

Flynn pulled out his gun from his waistband and studied it. A shot was fired, and both men looked across to the stage. Flynn looked down at his cold weapon as staff and punters ran in all directions. Flynn again pointed his gun at Tel; they were frozen. Two more shots were fired. Flynn and Tel died in puddles of blood.

‘How did it go, honey?’

‘To plan, Dad. It was nice of my husband to name me as chief beneficiary in his will last week, just as we read about his father’s untimely death in the nick. Poor old hubby didn’t get the chance to enjoy his plot on the beach. What shall we do with it?’

‘Well, it’s yours to do as you wish.’

Father and daughter hugged as a bottle of Champagne appeared.

The END

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